By Elvenia Gray-Sandiford
As our nation’s population ages, adult children are becoming primary caregivers. They are now responsible for giving older family members comfortable and safe spaces in their homes, and performing basic medical tasks. These young or middle-aged adults are bobbing and weaving their way through bureaucracy, while keeping track of a confusing mix of medications for their aging parents’ or relatives’ range of ailments.
No matter who we are or what we do, becoming an adult-child caregiver for aging parents or loved ones will cause a change in lifestyle. We wear many hats, and our role rapidly expands and evolves. We become an integral part of the care team who will assess their needs, navigate the health care system, provide support, and personalize care plans for them. Their safety and comfort become top priority.
For most of us, our parents are the most influential persons in our lives. We hold them in high regard and honour. We witness them move through different stages in their need for care: walking slower and getting a little more confused at times. As they get agitated, having a solid relationship with who cares for them is important for them and us. So too is having community connection. We all need to have multiple points of contact in life, in order to reduce feelings of loneliness and isolation while helping with mental stimulation.
As we help our loved ones who are experiencing the effects of aging, we must never become our parents’ parents. Let us commit to maintaining boundaries: treating them with respect, dignity, compassion, and value at all times, especially as we indirectly control their independence.
Falling into the process of role reversal does not only shift the lived experience for us as children, but can strip the dignity from our aging parents. Our job as caregivers is to support and guide, in spite of the different hats we wear, not to discipline and ridicule. We have to be very careful of our words and tone of voice when we speak with them; watch our behaviour and attitude and not be bossy. We are inclined to prepare ourselves to handle the big problems, but it’s the “small stuff” that can catch us off guard.
Obstinate or defiant behaviour is particularly challenging for a caregiver. Address the emotion that causes the behaviour in a calm, patient, and flexible manner. This is a better path to coping with unsettling behaviour. Most of all, use words that show respect. We must try our best to remain inspired even on days when we get overwhelmed.
We can help senior parents reconnect with interests and hobbies even if they are of no interest to us. They need friends and community to build their circle of support and care, leading to an enhanced quality of life. They need friends to share their stories, fears, and frustrations with. Give them the tools to manage their own experience when possible. Never underestimate their power.
In this “forever young”, fast-paced, microwave-obsessed culture that we live in, it is hard to imagine that even with all the anti-aging creams, microdermabrasion, and surgeries, we will someday become aged and in need of care. Holding on too tightly takes our parents’ dignity. Remember, they taught us how to brush our teeth, wash our bodies, and not be afraid of the dark. Let’s serve them, rather than trying hard to save them.
editorial@accjournal.ca
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